Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I am suffering for a case of SAD. I don't know if my being sad stems from the actual SAD (seasonal affective disorder) necessarily, but having numerous cloudy and cold days in a row can not be helping my situation.

For one, I am homesick. Wikipedia states that homesickness is the distress caused by the actual separation from the home environment. Yes, I know, I am in a new home now. Be happy, get over it, move on. Well, you see, I am trying! My parents have always lived in the same home. I was brought up in the same home from birth through graduation. Yes, I moved from an apartment to our first home, but who would not want to get out of the apartment? We LOVED our first home. We had 3 babies in our first home and so many memories. I had to drop off paint to our first home today (they had called while we were in the apartment asking for some leftover paint because they knew "it was just sitting in that garage anyway" or something like that. I did not find that very compassionate and was not about to oblige to such a request. I did give them the paint for the white woodwork since ours now is a different color and the gold colors from our bedroom. That is it. They were $25 or more a gallon and we plan on using the paint here, thank you!). Anyway, I could not even look at the house. I walked up to the door, placed the paint cans on the entry way rug outside and walked away without even ringing the doorbell. They should be happy that I dropped them off, but I am sure they are mad because I did not bring them more. Nobody is ever happy, right? Although I did not look at our home, I did look around our home just a bit. Looking at the neighbor's home next door made my skin crawl and my stomach do a flip flop. Across the street the home is for sale RENT TO OWN yet again. Nice! And, across the street on the opposite corner of our old address the home is in dyer need of a paint job and had a beat up car parked, probably indefinitely, in the driveway. Our home was not going to maintain its value with stuff like that going on. With that said, I still miss the security of being home.

I (and Chris too) miss our home turf so much that I have actually gone out with Asher and looked at a couple houses in NW Omaha in the last couple of months. I have come to decide that no home exists that meets our criteria. The homes I looked at were okay. The first one was a big miss (and mess). The second home was close but not close enough. Our home now was much nicer - so not good enough to move again over. The rates are higher than they were when we locked in - so it is probably in our best interest, no pun intended, to make it work here. I would say that we would build next time, but then you have to buy window treatments, a fence, landscaping, etc (like we will have to do here)! I would rather someone else put their money into that first! Our first fence estimate was nearly $8000!

Sleep. I have not been sleeping well. I work, do not sleep, and it takes me days to recover. My skin all breaks out when I work probably due to stress, exhaustion, and how horrible I eat. Working nights is a death sentence when you do not sleep.

Getting older: I hate that I am now thirty something. That number is still bothering me. I hate that our kiddos are growing up so fast! I miss Alivia so much while she is in school and can hardly wait for summer so she can be home with us again! And I know, these things are out of my control. If I am freaking out about thirty something, what will I be like when I turn 40, 50 or 60 (or like my Grandma, 97? Maybe that is why she dresses like she is 30).

Baby Fever: Chris and I have, God willing, decided, for now, that 3 kiddos are enough. As Dr. Laura says, if one person says no, the answer is no, no matter how difficult that is. Well, Chris said no. So, I guess we are done. The only people I know with more than 3 children are wealthy, and wealthy we are not. With that said, if Chris said, "Let's go for it!" I would not let finances stand in the way. We would make it work. Somehow, I have to move past wanting another baby and just keep enjoying the babies we have. Does Tylenol cure baby fever?

I love my life, don't get me wrong. I just need a good sunny day at the park to get me out of my slump. Maybe Thursday will be the day...64 and sunny sounds good to me!

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