Wednesday, March 16, 2011

To Forgive...and Not Forget

Forgiving someone is so notoriously difficult. It is so easy for someone to say, "Just forgive and forget" when they do not have anything to forgive and forget. To "forgive and forget" is just cliche, and who ever thought that up is just...well, an idiot.

Maybe I shall elaborate a bit.

Our Christmas was awful...plain awful. It was so awful, that it has taken me until March to blog about it, if only just a bit.

I was asked, "Who started this" like the disagreement was between two 5 year old children or something. However, it was between two (and more like 3) grown adults, speaking for myself.

Yes, I started it. I will be the first to admit that although I am a giving person, I have my limits. I get so tired of giving and giving and giving and being thoughtful and not getting anything in return (and seeing Chris give and give and give and give and rarely even hearing from people that he gives and does thoughtful things for). I do not give and do thoughtful things expecting to get things in return. However, again, we have limits. Eventually, I get wore down and I have to say something.

In this case, what I said in a few sentences in an email, was not nice. It was clear, to the point, and was not a personal attack by any means. I was pointing out my frustration for excuses. But, the response I got from my few sentences turned into an attack on my personality, backstabbing against me and Chris and a breakdown in communication. When I called to just say "I'm sorry for my email," I got more of an ear full than I cared to experience.

Chris, after finally being willing to listen to me, could not believe that his family sent such an email even after reading my initial email. Believe me, it took him a long time to even discuss things with me.

Anyway, as part of Lent this year, I am trying to bring myself to Forgive. I realize the relationship is toxic and no longer want the unnecessary stress in our lives, but I also do not want this incident to bother me. I have apologized for my email and explained why I wrote it. I have said, "I'm sorry," without getting one or expecting one in return. I have to forgive without the other party caring if I forgive (or even seeing that what they did was wrong, perhaps).

That is hard.

So, I will go to confession, talk to the priest, and end my time in Holy Hour praying. With any luck, by the end of Lent, I will find it in myself to forgive...and then move on.

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